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I get it ok? I'm not going to amount tobshit and all the projects I have started don't mean shit. I get it you're good at I everything I get it ok? I just don't understand why youre being like this to me of all people....but fuck it I'm just everyones punching bag Ill just bury it like I always do
Shut Up Brain
May. 27th, 2015 09:27 pmI thought we were over this... so then why do I feel that whenever he looks at me all he sees is my ugly scars and strechmarks and muffin top and pimples? That's why he looks at other womens pictured and why not? They're all so beautiful and I am not... in fact it's amazing he even loves me at all, or touches me. Please just kill me
Since I got sent home I have been depressed and been trying my best to keep the house work up, but the lawn mower is broken, it needs a new belt and that's the only major thing that's left to do... but today I feel ok, I feel like maybe they're not mad at me but rather mad at that asshat of a manager, I took a shower and the idea hit me that I'm going to attempt to rewrite Alices Adventures in Wonderland and Through the Looking Glass and What She Found There. so right now I am rereading and copying down the cliff notes version in an attempt to see what exactly I want to do with it. I want to make it darker than it is, I'm thinking of making Alice a schiz... ideas, ideas
*insert primal rage scream*
May. 25th, 2015 03:46 pmToday I went to work and I wasn't even there for an hour before one manager sent me home for "not following directions" when really what happened was I was told to tuck in my shirt by one other manager which I was going to but I was busy with customers and hadn't gotten a chance to. So then this manager tells me to go home. Now this manager I have posted about befor, all he does is talk down to.me, and threatens my job every chance he gets, it's not just me he does it too but he does target me quote frequentl... I don't deserve to be treated like this, like I am some child who is stupid I didn't even want to go back there but we need the money... cue me feeling like wanting to die because I can't support my famil. James says he doesn't care and I hope that he doesn't, his dad on the other hand well he was really mad at me in the ca. Then he tells me that he doesn't know how I'm going to get to work tomorrow because we don't have gas money... cue me feeling even more like the shit that I am. I really just want to die....
It upsets me because what people do to hurt me, I would never do to someone else. I would never threaten someone else's job, and I would never disrespect me the way I have been disrespected unless they haven't shown me the proper respect... this wasn't my fault but James' dad is actlikg like it is because I stood up for myself Im the bad guy and for what? Because he wants my check, MY CHECK. Which I work nearly seventy hours every two weeks for my check which I have to put up with all the bullshit at this job for, my anxiety is so high, my heart is pounding and my head hurts and I am ofically feeling suicidal...
It upsets me because what people do to hurt me, I would never do to someone else. I would never threaten someone else's job, and I would never disrespect me the way I have been disrespected unless they haven't shown me the proper respect... this wasn't my fault but James' dad is actlikg like it is because I stood up for myself Im the bad guy and for what? Because he wants my check, MY CHECK. Which I work nearly seventy hours every two weeks for my check which I have to put up with all the bullshit at this job for, my anxiety is so high, my heart is pounding and my head hurts and I am ofically feeling suicidal...
So over the past week I have collapsed over six times, once was at work. Yesterday they did a CAT scan and said it came back normal they've done every rainbow of tests including a tox screen... which came back with THC and Benzos (my xannax) (and the... ither bit that has THC in it) so they think I am abusing my xannax privileges and that I'm a drug abuser(cue them not telling me anything more because judgement is so ok in the Oath) I am really frightened and would really like to know what is going on. I spent literally all day in the hospital and have been told nothing other than they "need more tests to be sure" ugh. Ugh ugh.
I REALLY hate being sick
May. 15th, 2015 04:52 amI have some sort of stomach bug and it's really throwing off my schedule I've been in bed all day and when I went to the doctor I got some anti nausea meds along with my xannax refilled. I come home and James says that he wants one of my xannax and I said yes now he is snoring like a chainsaw and I can't sleep... I can't wake him up either -.- I would really like for my throat to stop hurting and I would really like not to be sick anymore. So please send healing energies to me?
(no subject)
May. 12th, 2015 06:04 pmSometimes it feels as though I am all alone in this world. I will do or say something that people just don't really... Understand, I dont mean to be weird or different but I just can't help it. Sometimes the people that are closest to me say that I am weird... It hurts
Long Story Short
May. 5th, 2015 03:49 pmToday is one of my bad days... The depression has been so crippling that I've found it hard to move. James doesn't know and I dont wanr him to. We've been asked to clean which is a nice distraction but I feel like just curling up into a little baby and hiding. I am nothing, I am fat, ugly and lazy. I havent slept really in days because every time I close my eyes I am in my uncles backseat trying desperately to make him go another route but my aunt and him can't hear me they can't see me. I'm helpless. Its my fault that they died.... I wish today would end...
Ranty rant
May. 3rd, 2015 04:42 pmI'm not sure how they do where youre from but you don't just get to grab someones phone accuse them of being on facebook and stick it the safe! First off I have an elderly father-in-law whom I take care of, I need to know if he gets put in the hospital or if he falls while on at work. Second off I was NOT on facebook I deactivated my account which I told you three times and if you unlock it you would've seen it was on the calculator because I had rung up something wrong and was trying to get the difference. You asshole. Your only like this to me. Not any of the other women who are up there just me. If I had my way about things I would have sued you a long fucking time ago. So sick of this shit
I haven't been able to sleep in days, only with the help of muscle relaxers have I even been able to nap. It's my nightmares they keep getting worse and worse all I really want to do is sleep... Peacefully and without waking up crying like I do every night. I was supposed to get my xannax refilled with my last check James dad decided I just didn't need to go to my doctors appointment... I want to be able to keep my check or at least be able to afford what I need... I am so tired
The Day and What it's held so far.
May. 1st, 2015 02:22 pmI woke up to the sound of distant thunder and already I knew that it would be kind of an easy day. I got to work and everything was fine, James got hired at the same store as me but not on the same shift, I am happy he got a job but I am now worried I won't get to spend much time with him at all. I work mornings, he works overnights... I hate this I almost wish he hadn't gotten the job or that he had at least been put on the same shift as me, oh well.
When I looked in the mirror this morning I was shocked, I went "hey I actually am pretty!" the sensation was short and one of awe the more I started the more I grew to like the subtle shape of my eyes and the curve of my cheekbones and how right away my eye were drawn to well, my eyes haha I've always loved my eyes the color and how they seem to shift between icy blue and light green. I was caught in between shock and confusion I've never called myself beautiful or gorgeous but today I did I almost told myself that I had to be high and that I was actually horrendously ugly but in a firm voice I told myself that I HAD to quit thinking like that, thinking like that leads to scars. And I'm tired of having my scars, I finally have gotten to the point to where I can ignore them, I dont beed or want new ones. In fact, I just realized that the thought of taking a razor to myself makes me sick. I want to try to ask for over nights but Ive already asked to be on mornings... Is this a good idea?
When I looked in the mirror this morning I was shocked, I went "hey I actually am pretty!" the sensation was short and one of awe the more I started the more I grew to like the subtle shape of my eyes and the curve of my cheekbones and how right away my eye were drawn to well, my eyes haha I've always loved my eyes the color and how they seem to shift between icy blue and light green. I was caught in between shock and confusion I've never called myself beautiful or gorgeous but today I did I almost told myself that I had to be high and that I was actually horrendously ugly but in a firm voice I told myself that I HAD to quit thinking like that, thinking like that leads to scars. And I'm tired of having my scars, I finally have gotten to the point to where I can ignore them, I dont beed or want new ones. In fact, I just realized that the thought of taking a razor to myself makes me sick. I want to try to ask for over nights but Ive already asked to be on mornings... Is this a good idea?
Down the Rabbit Hole and Back Again
Apr. 30th, 2015 07:39 pmIt's been awhile since I have thought about posting on this site, since I lost my other account info I figured I'd start from scratch and make a new one.
A lot has happened since Michael broke up with me. I met a new guy his name is James I may have already told you all this. But I am engaged to him now, he has helped me alot and has been with me through my very worst days. I have been officially diagnosed with PTSD, anxiety, and Manic Bipolar disorder. I have been prescribed medication and it seems to helping but the fun part is figuring out the dosage.
I am slowly getting back in touch with my spiritual side and learning that I am not so helpless and desperately alone as I had feared.
This is all about new beginnings for me and I feel like its the perfect time. I am deleting my facebook soon and I figured this would be a good replacement as I can freely vent without fear of backlash and no more drama. I have basically started to rebuild myself from the ground up, I am not complete yet and i may never be but that's ok because as long as I know I have support I can make it.
I have also cut Brittany out of my life completely, she was a good friend but I realized that she was and is still in love with me... I suppose that I should be more broken up about it but I am not, she gave me no support in my hetro relationships and always claimed that the guy was abusive and I should leave and I know she was just looking out for me but when I tried to tell her that they weren't she would still press the issue. After awhile that gets annoying.
My family and I are on good terms with each other for now, I am even starting to forgive my dad and reconnect with him, but family vists are still awkward for me. I think that's everything since I last posted so consider this my hi I'm back again thing post
A lot has happened since Michael broke up with me. I met a new guy his name is James I may have already told you all this. But I am engaged to him now, he has helped me alot and has been with me through my very worst days. I have been officially diagnosed with PTSD, anxiety, and Manic Bipolar disorder. I have been prescribed medication and it seems to helping but the fun part is figuring out the dosage.
I am slowly getting back in touch with my spiritual side and learning that I am not so helpless and desperately alone as I had feared.
This is all about new beginnings for me and I feel like its the perfect time. I am deleting my facebook soon and I figured this would be a good replacement as I can freely vent without fear of backlash and no more drama. I have basically started to rebuild myself from the ground up, I am not complete yet and i may never be but that's ok because as long as I know I have support I can make it.
I have also cut Brittany out of my life completely, she was a good friend but I realized that she was and is still in love with me... I suppose that I should be more broken up about it but I am not, she gave me no support in my hetro relationships and always claimed that the guy was abusive and I should leave and I know she was just looking out for me but when I tried to tell her that they weren't she would still press the issue. After awhile that gets annoying.
My family and I are on good terms with each other for now, I am even starting to forgive my dad and reconnect with him, but family vists are still awkward for me. I think that's everything since I last posted so consider this my hi I'm back again thing post
