lostalice95

I wake up today thinking that its going to be a good day aaannnddd nope. Go over to Courtney's house and everyone starts getting on my case. God forbid I fuck up. They say that I don't try and listen to anyone that it goes "in one ear and out the other." that's not true... It's just that when you tell me something sometimes I forget... Man I just don't know why everyone has to make fun or pick on me for what's wrong upstairs. I just want to live a normal life. Do normal things...

So I "don't have a right to be pissed" about the fact that Im concerned about the cat getting in the hole in the wall? Or that the dogs havent had any food since yesterday when we brought them up to the new house? Fine. I won't ever fucking open my mouth about anything ever again. Let the animals starve. BECAUSE I AM THE ONLY FUCKING PERSON THAT TAKES CARE OF THEM ANYWAYS.Oh what's that? I also "don't have the right" to be upset about asking on facebook about how to keep the cat out of the hole in the wall? So Im not allowed to have any emotions whatsoever? Ok that's great Ill just go back to popping xannax like candy and being quiet. Im sure it won't kill me.

because fuck how I feel. I dont care about you. I dont try to make sure you're happy and ok. Nope all I do is bitch and complian and cry. Oh what's wrong you ask? Well how about the fact that the person I love more than anyone else just told me that he would rather kill himself than be with me? Oh but I forgot Im just a child. Yes I would complain about not keeping any of my money because I would actually like to have some money to buy what I need like tampons or some new socks. Or some underwear that doesnt have holes in it. So I'll just keep stealing money out of my own checks. You know what just fuck everything. I'll just pop another pill and maybe it'll be ok. I won't eat anything with it either because there is no food because your fat ass father spends all his time fucking watching the food network and eating all my food.
I'll just keep it all bottled up. Maybe it will kill me or it won't who cares anymore. I dont.

I just want some love and affection... Is that too much to ask? I mean I say I love you. All the time. Probably too much but you never say it first anymore. Im always trying to make sure you are ok because I love you. Thats why Im still here. I would walk through hell for you. I would fight off every demon from trying to get to you.... And yet... And yet.. No I love you texts. No "Hey princess are you ok?" You dont even call me baby anymore... Why? Why are you being so cold and distant its killing me... But I dont know how to bring it up to you or even its worth it. Please. I need you... Please

I am of so sick on people taking out they're bad moods on me.... I mean I get that you dont sleep much and Im sorry but there's nothing I can do to help you! I mean first out of nowhere you get affectionate and we end up having really nice and intimate sex but then a day or so after you get mean and crabby and start being a complete asshole to me. I mean is sex with me that disgusting to you? Am I that unsatisfying to you? I mean I know I havent had sex with many guys... But I thought that was a good thing.... So what am I doing wrong? Why are you treating me like this. I love you and just want to make sure you're ok. All I ever am is affectionate and loving towards you..... Is that what I am to you? Just a punching bag?

My doctor says I need to loose 30 pounds and I need some healthy recipes that I can cook for like work lunches and things like that please thank you

So I might be pregnant... In fact Im pretty sure that I am because I have been moody as fuck, getting very little sleep at night and literally almost falling asleep at work during the day. I also have not started my period yet but I will know for sure Thrusday when I get my check. In other news I was seriousky debating going back to my parents because of James's father all hes been doing lately is basically telling me to shut up because I have legtimate fears about getting back and fourth to work because he wastes the gas going all over fucking creation because he cant sit still when we have no fucking gas to begin with. So today I get to go do laundry when all I want to do is take a nap but no i have to the laundry. Oh did I mention that we have to use some ladys house thats like an hour away from our house? Yeah some lady that I barely fucking know but I do like and it'll take about four to ficve hours. Good thing I dont have to work tomorrow... Oh wait I do. At five fucking o clock in the fucking morning so yeah Art is not a fucking happy camper.
When I said "lets get this shit over with" when I got in the car. He jumped down my thoart and said "I dont attitude especially from you." hes referring to the fact that once again that my parents kicked me out and I had to come to live with them which I didnt want to do in the fucking first place but I didnt want to live on the fucking streets again. He lordes that over me EVERY time we get into an argument. When I have done nothing but go out of my way to make sure he has what he fucking needs by giving him all of my money so that he can waste it all buying shit that we dont need. I have never in my fucking life hated someone so much. I would gladly fucking go back to my parents then put up with him. Hes so fucking disgusting always stuffing his face literally shitting on the back of the toliet because hes a fucking fat motherfucker and leaving it there because it cant be bothered to clean it up. Bleching and smacking his fucking non-existent teeth together.
I am so fucking done and would have left last month like I wanted to do but like I said I might be pregnant and I want to go through this with the man I love if I am
And now i have gotten attacked by a junkie with a jar of pickles and my cat has run off... Is there anything else that can go fucking wrong tonight?

Im sorry that your father and I seem to be the source of your bad moods? Ever stop and think that maybe its not me but that its your own damn fault your so miserable all the time? I mean all you do is bitch and complian about how Im always bitching and complaining. When I dont. But hey what do I know Im just a child remember? If youre so sick of the stuff that I do why dont you just leave.
I dont understand, one minute you're loving and kind and affectionate the next you're crabby and pushing me away by telling me that I'm doing this or that or your favorite that you're sick of raising me. I mean if this is a partnership why is that if I open my mouth about the fact that youre father ate one of my tv dinners without asking me I get met with "Shut the fuck up." I cant take much more of these ups and downs...
In other news I might be pregnant, and thats a very strong might be because the birth control is completely out of my system and James and I had sex a few nights ago so theres that. Also my General Mannager at work said that he wants to promote me to crew trainer. That's a lot of responsibility that Im not sure if I want. I do however need the money so I said yes but here's the thing I also applied for food stamps yesterday and according to the application one of the rules is that I can't quit my job without a good cause. So it looks like I'll still be at the same crappy job that I absolutely from the bottom of my soul hate. *sigh*
Depression is rearing its ugly head again and I feel like Im falling apart from everything going on right now. I just dont know if Im going to be able to pull myself out this pit I seem to be sprialing into

I dont have the strength to argue with you anymore. I kicked you out because I realized just how much you are like a drug to me and when I tried to talk to you said that I had to basically grovel at your feet. You are bitter and self-hating and I can finally see that. I can finally see that even we were close and I opened up to you. You cant handle the fact that Im not completely lesbian and actually like guys a lot more than I do girls. And you know what? Youre not the first person to call manipulative. My dad has called me that after hes beaten me. I get it you cant handle the fact that I was in love with you when I was confused but now that Im not in love with you anymore you hate me? What am I supposed to? Beg you from my knees to come back and be my friend? And for what so that we can just keep dancing in this endless cycle of self-pity and harm? Im sorry I dont want that anymore. I dont have the strength to argue or fight with you anymore and I damn sure dont have the strength to beg and cry and shout for you to cone back....
- sincerely your former bestfriend

For being a cat... Because the litter box stinks and they dont like that. This is the second time that Ive gotten attached to an animal only to have that animal be taken away. Am I upset about it yes? Cant stop crying, lost my xannax so nothing to help me sleep. No they havent gotten rid of him yet but omfg thr dog stinks and makes the house stinks and you dont want to get rid of him just because I didnt buy the cat doesnt mean that I dont love him. We brought him in from outside and gave him a home then they just want to rip that home away? No nonononononono omfg I cant breathe

One minute you say you love me, the next you have me in tears because you say that Im a child all because I have a peice of glass in my toe? I dont understand do you love or not? Im not like you, i handle pain differently than you... I cant handle this anymore something has got to change or I will start treating you the way youre treating me

General
I am so bad about posting on here and Im sorry about that. Truly. Lately things have been ok except at work. All day long today i was stuck taking both lanes in drive through AND cash on top of that. That mannager i hate did nothing except fuck around on his phone. He needs to be fired but nothing has been so far am I the one needs to do something? Do i even have that much pull? I dont know but i refuse to quit because of him. I like this job now that theres some structure.
Non-physical
Things have been pretty quite except the other day when i went wandering as I often do among the forest near my cottage the lady from my last entry was standing there in the dark she was smiling. Ive got to do some research on her because i have a pretty good inkling of who she is though why a Celtic diety would contact me is beyond me.. Blah
Physical
All in all ive been ok. James bought a dog from a Walmart parking lot, she had just had puppies and the owner said that he was getting to old to take care of her so ive been walking her pretty much every day (well kind of... She drags me)and its helping me loose weight i think. Scales have a tendency to make me depressed as fuck so i stay away from them. Now that im not on birth control i feel a lot more stable though my hormones are still a bit out of whack. I got my tattoo worked on some about three days ago it looks good were are slowly but surely getting what i messed up fixed (I CANNOT for the life of me hold still so if anyone has any advice for that it would be nice)
Also the cat we got, ive found out is not pretty Selina but a handsome Bagheera (like from the Jungle Book... ^-^;)
So thats everything

Why can't I just get what I want for once instead of having my money stolen from me
"It'll get better once James has a job I wont be taking as much money from you." Yeah right that's why I can't fucking buy what I want to right? Thats why I have to out everything Im working on right now just so you can have money. Just- FUCK! I'm done

I was taken to a chamber made of stone. On the walls were the pelts of bears and on the mantle of the fireplace was a beautifully crafted bow made of birch. I sat in a chair by the fire absently staring into the flames
"Do you like it?" A woman's voice asked me I jumped and whirled to find the source. She was gorgeous with long flowing red hair turned copper in the light of the roaring fire and green eyes that sparked and danced with the flames I was momentarily stunned by her beauty.
"Well?" She asked me
"Its nice here... no pain or stress." A brilliant smile lit her already attractive features she reached out and grasped my shoulder ger hand was warm and soft
"Who are you?" I asked I felt like I was drifting off to sleep on a wave of comfort and love. I was getting drowsier by the minute and sank into the chair. She smiled and pressed a finger to my lips "shhhh rest now, you are safe here." Was all she said before I went over

Sometimes I wonder why you take those pills I know that you're teeth hurt, but I really wish you wouldn't take them when you're on them you're sweet and affectionate, but when you're coming down you turn into a real jerk. When you're on them you steal all the covers and put them on top of your head like a ghost which is annoying but funny... I don't know I just wish you didn't take them they make you not able to function...

Today I feel like I don't know like I want to scream or something because James has been just aimlessly scrolling through Netflix channels (he's not awake while he's doing this) for about two hours now. He fell asleep sitting up and kept stealing the covers from me so he could dress up like a ghost and he's still acting weird I know it's a side-effect of those pills he claims he's not addicted to but it just really annoys me, I got no sleep because of it, oh well maybe if I stay awake long enough I'll get tired and fall asleep and be well rested for work... oh shit I have to work tomorrow I also get paid tomorrow which means I won't be getting to keep my check... except for what I need to buy (a new bra and maybe some pillows) *sighs* I wish that James could just not take those fucking pills and I wish that I wasn't the only money conscious adult around here... fuck I Wang to cry

Yesterday, James and I we're cleaning he found a 30 lb curling bar and I was like "you know what I want to set to get into a two-peice and feel comfortable with it." So I made a thing that I would try to get it some calistentics (spelling is hard) at least every day. So even though I have just started this Im setting little goals, like I had one Burger today and this morning, only tea and two burritos on break and a bag of apple slices and one can of soda (that's all the junk food I'm eating for today ) and then about an hour after the Burger and fries and soda I went to work out, I stretched and then did lunges across the room and back four times, I did at least 20 or so reps with five pounds in each hand I did 13 sit ups and then I went to lift the curling bar I did ten curls (because omfg is 30 pounds heavy) and now.... my legs feel like jello, my arms hurt... e VGA eruthing hurts but I feel good just time to rest now yay me?

I feel like sometimes no one understands me, like the way I try to explain thing to James sometimes just don't sink in. He and I are so very diffrent but at the same time we're not and sometimes I wonder if he just didn't agree to be in a relationship with me because he was tired of all his past ones ending in nothing but heartbreak. But somehow, some way he chose me of all people... dealing with stress and depression and the constant up and down mood swings is getting tiresome I just want to be a normal person who doesn't see spirits or feel other people's emotions or go from upbeat and happy one day to spiraling and out of control another. I am burnt out on dealing with my life... and I miss Brittany, no one ever really just calls me up and says "hey how are you?" I miss that... I kicked her out of my life because I c pi uldnt handle her negativity towards any men in my life... I want to reconnect with her but I don't know how is this a good idea? I need advice

Ok James and I we're going to a friends house to do laundry, we got lost on the way and almost killed a dog, but we didn't, we hit a mailbox instead but she was a beautiful dog that looked so hurt, lost and abandoned we HAD to stop so we pick her up, she was so relieved to have found someone that would care for her and did when we went over to our friends house, so excited to have a new dog that was so obviously needing a home . So we are almost through with laundry and then James dad calls and says we can't keep her.... so when we got in the car we stopped and James had to be the one to push that poor animal out of the car she looked so hurt and betrayed and... devestaed I broke that poor animals heart and now I can't live with myself. We can't go back and get her... we don't even know where she is. I'm disgusting.
When we we're going back we got lost because you country roads are confusing so we had to go back where we dropped her off and she was there... waiting, she looked so heartbroken when we drove past her and it's all my fault.. she didn't understand what she did wrong, she didn't do anything wrong

It really fucking bugs me when people dismiss someones feelings because they cantbundersrand it. I'm I the car with my father in law because he had just picked me up from work and I had mentioned thaat i would love to go home and smoke a bowl with James to relax and he started in with the ususal "you guys are fixated on that and you smoke too much blah blah blah" (note I've had a very shity, stressful day at work) so I said "Yes I would like to go home and relax because I had a very stressful day" so then he tells me "Lyndsay, you don't have a stressful job. I'm sorry but you don't and stop complaining about it." Really? Do you fucking knows what goes on in there? Are you there when there's only three service people and only two in the kitchen AND you're in the middle of the morning rush? No because I'm pretty sure that all you do all day when I'm gone is sit in your fucking chair in the living room, watch your stupid movies over and over again and eat all the food and TAKE ALL MY MONEY I wanted to buy some stuff for my Alice in Wonderland stuff but couldn't because I had to pay the fucking bills, AND YOU MAKE MORE THAN I DO ON FUCKING DISABILITY.
You're so hypocritical; you say I have to keep this job but then every three days you're like "oh well I don't know how you're going to get to work because we don't have the gas." Well you know we would have the gas if you didn't go fifteen places a day and waste MY MONEY on shit that we don't need. What you can't go three FUCKING hours without cramming some salty chips down your gob (which you aren't even supposed to have anymore because the FUCKING doctor said no salt. Period.) You don't get to sit there and tell me that my stress doesn't exist, you don't get to sit there and tell me that I need to quit complaining when I have to take a FUCKING SEDATIVE to handle my stress levels and not have a fucking coronary at work I'm so sick of this

My mother helps us out when she can with money, but she is terrified if me having a baby for some reason. I don't understand why, James isn't going anywhere and I have a job that I won't be leaving if it happens... I told her I wasn't going to be doing any birth control anymore because I can't handle it; I go from being viciously defensive and snappish to wanting to curl up and die to sobbing unctrollably for hours on end. It makes me feel like I'm going insane and Im tired of it.. when I told my mom this she said that she had already bought the prescription and that she could've used that money on something else. Que me feeling guilty and getting the shot redone and now it's more of the same unbalanced hormones... I am screaming in between collapsing, crumbling as I try to stand. I don't know how to tell my mother that I don't want to do it anymore and that I do want kids so does James, in fact he has a child that he doesn't get to see because his mother hates him and I can tell he's going to be a great father, based purely on the fact that I know him and Ive seen how he acts around kids, I act the same way... in two more months time this posion will be out of my system and my mother will be wanting to know if I'm going to get another shot. I don't know how to tell her no...

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January 2016

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